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  Riley and Tallin were by her in the next instant, wrapping their arms around her and saying soft things, but she couldn’t hear them, didn’t understand their words over the beating of her heart and the pain that encompassed every part of her.

  Strong, heavy sobs wracked her, and if it weren’t for them holding her up, she would have fallen to her knees, let her feelings take her down.

  “Sweetheart. Please don’t cry, Lilly. It breaks my heart,” Riley whispered against her hair.

  She let them lead her out to the living room and onto the couch. Tallin handed her a box of tissues as he sat down next to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close to his big, hard body. She wiped her tears away. Riley moved beside her and sat down next to her.

  Lilly had wiped her tears, but she continued to cry, a torrent, a physical show of her emotions.

  “It’s okay, sweetheart,” Riley said, rubbing her hand that rested on her thigh. “Let it out.” He sounded in pain, and when she looked at him she saw the worry on his face as he watched her.

  Her chest heaved as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to calm herself in front of the two most important men in her life.

  “It’s okay to cry, Lilly. We’re here and not going anywhere,” Tallin said, his hand on her back, big, steady, warm.

  She nodded, but didn’t want to break down in front of them. She looked down at where Riley’s hand rested on hers. She brought her gaze back to his face, his brows drawn together with concern and sadness. She looked into those amber-colored irises and saw love and kindness reflected back, understanding and compassion. She turned and looked at Tallin, his jaw set tight as he tried not to show his emotions.

  “I’m going to miss him so much.” She lowered her head to stare at the ground for a second before squeezing her eyes shut again. Hot tears tracked down her cheeks.

  “We all will, sweetheart. We have to get through this. Christian wouldn’t have wanted us to cry over him. He would have wanted us to stick together, to keep each other strong.”

  She nodded more to herself than at what Riley had said. She knew he spoke the truth, but she didn’t know if she would be able to let her grief pass.

  “Let her get it out, Riley,” Tallin said and started rubbing her back.

  “I didn’t even get to see him before he passed away.” She choked up on the last few words. She clenched her hands into fists, curling her fingers into her palms. She was so angry with herself for not being able to hold it together, especially in front of Riley and Tallin.

  “Don’t beat yourself up, Lilly,” Riley said and grabbed her hand in his, giving it a squeeze. “We didn’t get to see him before he passed either. It was weeks since the last time we saw him. I talked to him a week ago, but it seems like forever ago now.”

  “It’s true. I haven’t seen him since last month, and I haven’t talked to him in a couple of weeks.” The pain in Tallin’s voice was evident.

  She stared into Tallin’s face, finally seeing a sliver of sadness break his otherwise steely composure.

  “He’d been working in Silver Spring for the last week on some big construction contract. He was actually on his way home. We were all going to get together since it had been so long.” Riley shook his head, stopping for a second. “He was ten miles from his place when he ran over some black ice and went into a ravine.”

  Lilly placed her hand over her mouth, squeezing her eyes shut. She’d known what had happened, but hearing it from Riley, from one of the men she loved so much, that knew Christian the way she did, was so hard. More tears came, but she got control of herself, knowing she needed to be strong. Despite the fact she didn’t want to envision it, Lilly couldn’t help but could picture the whole horrific accident in her mind.

  “He must have been so scared,” she whispered. She tried to push the thoughts away, but they were like a broken record, playing over and over again. Tallin brought her closer, and she rested her head against his chest.

  “The way he crashed made his death instant,” Tallin said softly, but it didn’t make her feel any better.

  Even though the pain was indescribable, she was glad Riley and Tallin weren’t keeping this from her. She wanted to know the details, wanted to know how one of her best friends had left this world.

  Call it sick or dark, but she needed to know.

  “I’m glad he didn’t suffer.” She pulled away and turned to look into Riley’s eyes, knowing he would have been one of the first people to be at the scene.

  “We are, too, sweetheart.” Riley smiled softly, sadly. Riley reached a hand out and brushed away one of her tears.

  “Things will be okay, Lilly.” Tallin continued to rub her back in slow and gentle, but sure strokes

  “I don’t think anything will ever be okay, Tallin.”

  Tallin embraced her again and kissed the top of her head. “I hope that’s not true.”

  She didn’t want it to be true, but right now life seemed pretty meaningless, even with Riley and Tallin beside her.

  Chapter Three

  Saying Goodbye

  This was a special kind of pain, the kind that had someone wishing they were numb, that the world would just open up and swollen them whole. That’s how Lilly felt. She wanted nothing to be everything, wanted to be able to turn off her emotions, to turn off everything in her so this wasn’t a reality, so this wasn’t the cold, hard truth.

  Standing under the awning at Christian’s gravesite, she wished she could see him once more, to talk to him, tell him she loved him. The calling hours had been closed casket because of the accident, of the damage he’d suffered. Thinking about that had her heart hurting, had her feeling like she was on the cusp of passing out.

  My poor, sweet Christian.

  Riley stood on her left, Tallin on her right. Both men framed her, their arms wrapped around her body, giving her support and love. She wished her parents had been able to fly out, but with her mother breaking her ankle and not being able to travel, and her father not wanting to leave her, they couldn’t be here to say goodbye to their pseudo-son. The storm would have also made it impossible for them to fly not the closest airport by Burkett. She knew they wished they could have been here.

  The air was frigid, the storm quickly approaching, sooner than had been predicted. It was like the weather was angry and mourning the loss of Christian, as well.

  She stared at his coffin and wrapped her wool coat more tightly around herself. Tallin and Riley must have felt her movement, or maybe they’d been watching her, because a second later they were moving even closer to her, their arms wrapping more tightly around her body. She was grateful for their big bodies blocking the cold, keeping her stable. Even their heat couldn’t get rid of the piercing cold that spread throughout her body at the thought of Christian lying in that algid box all alone.

  As the words were being said about his life, the passages reflecting on life in general, she couldn’t help but zone out as her mind thought of everything else.

  Last night she’d cried until she’d fallen asleep on Riley’s couch, both of her two guys sleeping right beside her, holding her, giving her their strength even as she slept.

  Her eyes felt swollen and red, and her muscles were so sore from the way she shook from crying, that her entire body ached. She was thankful she had Riley and Tallin. They were her rocks.

  She reached out, grabbed Riley’s hand, and leaned her head against Tallin’s arm. Placed on top of the casket was a bundle of red roses, their color startling compared to the single white lily she had placed next to them. Seeing that single white flower brought back so many memories that they threatened to choke her.

  A lily had been the first flower Christian had ever given her. They had been going to their freshman homecoming dance, her three boys being her dates. They had each given her a flower. Tallin had given her a pink rose, Riley a yellow tulip, and Christian a white lily because he thought it was funny that she’d been named after a flower. She still had thos
e three flowers, now dried and wilted, hanging upside down on her bedroom wall.

  She smiled, remembering his handsome face as he had offered her the flower, his dark auburn hair disheveled in a way that let everyone know he didn’t care what he looked like. Even though she loved those wonderful memories, they hurt her tremendously.

  As the priest finished the sermon and said his final words, she stared up at Tallin. His eyes were set, hard, and his jaw was clenched. Even though she knew how upset and devastated he was over this tragedy, the hard-willed bad boy in him refused to show any weakness. She looked over at Riley, his expression actually showing his hurt even though no tears fell. The doctor in him, that caring and compassionate person he was, couldn’t help but express the loss of someone so important.

  She squeezed Riley’s hand tighter and slipped her arm through the crook of Tallin’s. As she watched the coffin slowly sink into the earth, she knew that from this day forward, she would forever be changed.

  ****

  Reality Sucks

  Lilly sat on the couch in Riley’s living room, friends and family mingling as they spoke softly, sharing remembrances of Christian. Classic rock played throughout the room, Christian’s favorite. After the funeral, everyone gathered at Riley’s place since it had the extra room. Everyone was reminiscing about Christian, even though sadness filled every vacant spot. She sat in one of the chairs and stared out the big picture window from across the room. The sky was a dark shade of gray as the snow steadily fell to the ground in thick flakes.

  Ava, Christian’s younger sister, stood by the window, her auburn hair so much like her brother's. Ava was only twenty, ten years younger than her brother, but they had been close. Lilly got up with her red plastic cup in hand, filled with fruit punch someone had poured for her, which she now found flavorless. She stopped in front of the window, just staring out as the snow continued its thick descent to the ground. After a moment of silence, Lilly reached out and grabbed Ava’s hand. The young girl’s fingers were cold when she gripped them tightly. They didn’t speak for several moments, and when she felt the small squeeze Ava gave her hand, she knew that even though Ava had to be devastated, she would somehow pull through. She did, after all, have her brother’s unyielding strength.

  “What am I going to do?” Ava whispered.

  Lilly glanced over at Ava, the freckles covering her cheeks a startling contrast to her porcelain-colored skin. Ava’s features were so much like Christian’s that it made Lilly’s breath halt. Ava's blue eyes were bright and moist, but Lilly could tell the girl hadn’t shed any tears yet.

  “We were supposed to go to Steamboat in the summer. He told me they had the most beautiful hiking trails.”

  “Oh, honey.” Lilly embraced Ava, the girl finally crying as her slender body shook from the force of her emotions. “I’m so sorry. You have to stay strong, though.” Grief overtook her, and with fat tears falling down her cheeks, Lilly pulled Ava away.

  “I can’t. It hurts too bad,” Ava said, her voice pained.

  Lilly’s heart was breaking, and she couldn’t stop her own tears from falling. “I know, but you know how your brother would have scoffed over us crying. You know how stubborn he was, demanding that we smile because it uses less muscles.”

  The corner of Ava’s lips lifted slightly, and Lilly brushed a tear away from her cheek. Even though she told Ava to be strong, Lilly really was a hypocrite because she was weak, so very weak that it took so much effort to even breathe in this moment. She didn’t know what to do either, but she felt something inside of her grow stronger at seeing Christian’s baby sister crying. Ava had the same startling color of blue eyes as Christian, and it broke Lilly’s heart more because if she zoned everything out it was almost as if she were looking into his. She couldn’t show weakness in front of her. No, she needed to be strong so that Ava could draw strength from her, so that she could know life wasn’t over.

  “It’s going to be painful, but that’s how you know you’re alive.” Lilly brushed a strand of stray hair from Ava’s forehead, quoting one of Christian’s many sayings and knowing the young girl had recognized it.

  “The first time he told me that, Collin Spencer had just broken up with me. I had been acting like a madwoman, crying and snapping at everyone. He had sat me down and told me that exact statement. I had been so pissed at him, telling him to shove it up his ass.” Ava started to laugh, but soon that became a hard sob. “I wish I never told him that,” Ava said, sounding heartbroken.

  Lilly remembered when, years ago, Collin Spencer, Ava’s first real boyfriend whom she had loved, had broken up with her. Christian had told her how crazed his sister was acting, crying nonstop, yelling at everyone. Lilly had told him she was an emotional teenager and had just had her heart broken. He had wanted to strangle Collin. Being the devoted big brother he was, he’d felt the need to protect his baby sister. That was Christian, always so caring, dedicated, loyal, and loving.

  “Christian had laughed about that actually.”

  Ava looked into her face, her cheeks streaked with her drying tears as she sniffed.

  “Really?”

  “Of course. You know how Christian was. He laughed about stuff like that.” Lilly could tell by the way Ava’s shoulders slightly relaxed that since her brother’s death, she had done nothing but think about every fight they’d had and every detrimental thing she had ever said. Marie, Christian’s mother, stepped up next to her daughter, the woman having the same auburn hair and blue eyes as her children. Marie’s eyes were red-rimmed and swollen, and even though Marie smiled and feigned strength, Lilly couldn’t even imagine how hard it was for her.

  Lilly had spoken with Marie earlier, both of them talking about Christian as a child and about how rambunctious he had been. They had shared memories and tears for the man Christian had been. That had been a hard conversation for Lilly, but she was glad she had been able to talk about them.

  Marie pulled her daughter into an embrace, but after a few seconds led Ava over to Michael, Christian and Ava’s father.

  Lilly looked at the three of them, their family torn apart and each trying to keep the pieces together. It was heart-wrenching to witness and something Lilly couldn’t handle. She turned away and leaned against the window frame, taking a drink of her flavorless punch as she continued to stare at the snowfall.

  “You can’t truly know life until you’ve accepted death.”

  Lilly didn’t need to turn and see who spoke in that deep tone. Riley was right next to her, his words spearing into her heart and clenching it in pain.

  “You and your elucidations. You were like Christian in that sense.”

  She felt his hand rub up and down her back.

  “It’s true though.”

  “I know.” And she did know that, even if it was a hard thing to come to terms with. “Everything happens for a reason. Isn’t that what Christian always said?” She turned and stared into Riley’s eyes, seeing the dark circles that lay under them and the haunted expression he held. She lifted her hand and cupped his cheek. “I love you, Riley. I want you to know that since you never know what life has in store.”

  “Don’t say stuff like that.”

  She couldn’t help the sad smile that tilted her lips. “What? Don’t say that I love you?” She knew what he had been referring to, but she could see that a little teasing would be therapeutic. He shook his head and breathed out, his expression hard still. She dropped her hand and looked back out the window.

  “Don’t start talking about death.”

  “Why not? Isn’t it all around us?” The words that came out of her mouth were barren of any kind of emotion. Death surrounded her, and that seemed to be all she could think about.

  “What happened to Christian was a fucking tragedy, an accident, but you will not let death encompass you.”

  She turned with a small amount of surprise as she stared at him. Riley rarely swore, a true testament to the pain he was really feeling. “How can I not
think about death? Anyone of us could die at the drop of a hat. I didn’t even get to tell Christian how much he meant to me. I won’t make that mistake again, not with you, Tallin, or anyone else for that matter.” She heard the determination in her own voice and wondered where it had come from.

  He breathed out as he ran his hand over the back of his neck. “It just breaks my heart seeing you in so much pain.”

  His gaze locked with hers for a suspended moment before he leaned in and kissed the top of her head. “I love you, too, Lilly, so damn much.” He walked away, his head down, his movements unhurried.

  As he walked into the kitchen, her eyes moved over the room. She took in all the blackness, all the sadness and grief despite the appearance of happiness. She saw Tallin sitting on the stairs, his red cup in his hand, his firearms braced on his thighs. He watched her intently. She smiled softly at him, realizing Tallin hadn’t spoken more than two words since last night. The funeral had been hard on all of them, but staring into Tallin’s dark eyes, she knew he was taking it hard even though he tried to appear strong.

  She pushed away from the window frame and walked toward him, stopping briefly to gaze at the posters that were set up on easels around the room. The posters had various pictures of Christian’s life glued to them, ranging from infancy to adulthood. She stopped scanning the room and examined a picture that she knew was recent, knew this because it was similar to the one Christian had sent to her via text just a week ago. That had been their last conversation.

  He stood by an unfinished cabin, the snow-covered ground bright white against the dark coloring of his clothing. His smile was big as he posed, his arm outstretched behind him, showing the camera the incredible work he was accomplishing. His auburn hair seemed redder in the picture, as if the sun had chosen that moment to peek through the clouds and shine down on him.

  A tear slipped from her eye and made its way down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away and turned from the pictures. She walked over to where Tallin was sitting. His focus was still trained on her, his jaw set tight.