Lost In You (The Soldiers of Wrath MC) Read online

  She glanced at him again.

  “Do you really know Nerd? The club?” Weasel asked.

  “I don’t think I understand what you’re trying to ask.”

  “Open your eyes, Hannah. You’re living in a protective bubble. We’ve all been protecting you. Now I thought you and Nerd had something but this, it’s not going to work, not now, not tomorrow, not ever.”

  Hannah frowned, so shocked by what he was saying that she couldn’t even respond. “I don’t get—”

  “Nerd is part of one of the most feared biker clubs going around. How do you think we got that reputation? It wasn’t by handing out chocolate and flowers. We’re killers, Hannah. We killed the people that took you, and we’ve killed a hell of a lot more since.”

  She knew this.

  “He’s not a gentleman. That party in there,” he tipped his chin toward the clubhouse, “Nerd would be balls-deep in fucking pussy by now.”

  A shocked gasp left her at his crude words.

  “Instead, you’ve got him all twisted up in your own shit to see what the fuck is going on.”

  “I don’t understand why you’re telling me this, why you’re saying it in the first place.”

  He shook his head. “I want you to open your eyes, Hannah. I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m just being me, and being real with you.” He threw his bottle away, and she heard it smash against the asphalt. She wasn’t used to this kind of outrage from the Soldiers, even if she didn’t know Weasel that well. From the cult that had taken her, yes. This, it was all wrong.

  “I am just saying until you get your head on straight, until you get your shit worked out, you can’t really be there in the ways that matter.” He stared at her. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  She started to shake as his words hit home. Yeah, she knew what he meant, had thought about it herself, but to hear someone else say it ... she exhaled, not knowing how to respond.

  “What the fuck?” Nerd said from behind Weasel, his voice booming, his outrage clear.

  Hannah turned to the man who had given her hope in her darkest hours. She looked at him, and she knew that Weasel was right, even if she didn’t want to admit it to anyone but herself. She was damaged, and as much as she wanted to be with Nerd, she was afraid of herself and ruining everything. How could she be everything that Nerd needed when she could only just stand his touch?

  “Man, I wasn’t going to hurt her, and I was just speaking the truth.”

  “It’s not your place to get between us, or to say shit to her.”

  “Everyone thinks you and her, it’s a good thing. It’s not, and I’m sorry I have to be the one to break it down. Don’t you see, she’s fucking petrified, and until she gets her head on straight she’s no good here. She’s a liability, man. We’re a club, united together, Nerd. Your mind isn’t even on the job half the fucking time but on her, and that puts the club in jeopardy. You haven’t even claimed her as your old lady, so how can you expect the club to back you up?”

  Nerd didn’t respond, but he looked pissed as hell.

  “I don’t need a man on the road who has his head on the pussy he’s trying to fill.”

  Nerd took a step toward Weasel. “You better shut the fuck up, man.”

  “What the hell is going on here?” Demon asked, suddenly stumbling out of the club with Deanna on his arm.

  Hannah hated this. She hated being the center of attention where all eyes fell to her. She hated being the one to cause problems. This was never the life she wanted, and she’d never wanted to cause trouble or a rift between brothers.

  She looked toward Nerd. The intention of violence surrounded him. He wanted to do damage, but she knew he was holding back because she was there. She wasn’t whole enough to be ready for him. He deserved so much more.

  Their perfect dates; it wasn’t enough. Even to her, their time together wasn’t enough.

  “He’s right,” she finally said.

  “What?” Nerd asked incredulously. “Don’t listen to this asshole, Hannah.”

  She shook her head. “You and me, this is never going to work, not until I can work on myself.” At least it can’t work right now.

  “Hannah, we’re doing fine, baby. I won’t pressure you. You know that.”

  “I know that, Nerd. But I don’t want fine for you. I want you to have what Amy and Joker have. What all of the club couples have. You deserve that, and more. Right now, I’m holding you back. Look at me, Nerd. I’m broken. I want to be good for you, want my head in the right place, because you deserve that. We deserve that.”

  Nerd moved toward her. “You’re beautiful and making progress. Give it time.”

  She shook her head. “I’m not fine, not fully. That day at the lake, I wanted you, and yet I was terrified at the same time. That’s not fair. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want that for me.” She was adamant for him to see. There was not going to be a future between them if she remained like this. She had to go, and she had to be on her own and heal. “Deanna, can you take me somewhere?”

  “Wait, hold on just a fucking minute. You’re not going anywhere,” Nerd said.

  She took a step toward him and touched his cheek. “I have to go.”

  “No, I don’t want you to go. Weasel doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s talking about.”

  “He does. You need to open your eyes and see this, Nerd. I’m not whole. One day I will be, and then you and I can be together the way it was meant to be.”

  She went onto her tiptoes, and even though she wanted to run in the opposite direction, she brushed her lips against his. “I love you, Nerd. Please wait for me.”

  Nerd watched as Hannah climbed into Deanna’s car, and Demon held him back. “You’ve got to let her go. That’s what she wants.”

  His very reason for living anymore was in that fucking car, and they expected him to just watch her go?

  “No. She’s fucking mine. Let me go, Demon.”

  Still, he was no match for Demon and the president’s strength. There was a reason the large fucker was the Prez of their club, and he was showing it off just a touch too much in that moment.

  “This isn’t your call but hers. Don’t make this any harder.”

  Demon let go of him and as much as Nerd wanted to go after her, he found himself rooted to the spot, shocked to the core. He watched as Deanna pulled away. Hannah stared at him, the sorrow and pain on her face. No, he couldn’t let her go.

  The moment the car wasn’t in sight, he exhaled and ran a hand over his face. What the fuck had he done? Why hadn’t he tried harder to get her to stay? And then he felt his rage fill him. Nerd turned, searching for the motherfucker that had done this and pushed her over the edge.

  “You pathetic fuck. What the fuck were you thinking?” He stormed over to the man and was glad the other biker didn’t retreat. He shoved Weasel hard.

  “I was doing the right thing.” Weasel’s voice was slurred, and the stench of alcohol came from him. But Nerd didn’t give a shit if the fucker was drunk.

  He curled his hand into a fist, and needing to let out his aggression, he threw a right hook to Weasel’s jaw. Weasel’s head cocked to the side from the impact.

  “Doing the right thing? The woman who owns my fucking heart has just left me because of what you said.” He threw a punch at Weasel’s face again. The man took it all.

  But then the drunken anger came through Weasel. He suddenly burst free, landing a blow of his own, thrusting Nerd backward from the force.

  “I did what no one else was going to fucking do. I made you open those pretty eyes of yours.” Weasel spat blood onto the ground and bared his teeth.

  “You fucked everything up.” Nerd rushed in, slamming his fist against Weasel’s side. Weasel then responded with an uppercut jab. They parted, and Nerd wiped the blood from his mouth.

  “I did what I had to, not just for the good of the club, but for the good of yourself and that woman.

  “I did what I did bec
ause I want her as my old lady, you motherfucker.” Nerd spat the words out. “We were helping each other.” Nerd bared his own teeth.

  “Yeah, I’m sure you were helping her. It has been a couple of months. You went on a couple of dates, and she struggled to have me sitting near her. Does she even really know you, know the shit you’ve done, would do? Hate me, beat on me, I don’t give a fuck. But don’t think I did this lightly.” Weasel pushed him out of the way as he made his way into the clubhouse.

  Their scene had caused an audience. Staring at the pitying looks, Nerd had had enough. “What the fuck are you staring at? Get fucking gone.”

  “You know he’s right,” Demon finally said.

  Nerd glared at his President. “So you’re turning on me too?”

  Demon just shook his head.

  “You said I could be what she deserved.”

  Demon exhaled. “I know what I said. What you have to realize is that she needs to get to the point of being strong for herself before she can be with you. Hell, man, even I can see that. Hannah needs to heal, and you’ve got to let her. This is her life, and it’s up to Hannah what road she wants to take.”

  “What if I never see her again?” Nerd asked, despair suddenly filling him. He didn’t even know where she was going.

  “Then at least you knew what love felt like.” Demon slapped him on the back. “The way Hannah looked at you, she’s going to be back and when she is, you better be ready for her.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Are you sure this is what you want?” Deanna asked, and all Hannah could do was stare at the bus station in front of them.

  “No,” she replied honestly. Hannah had no idea what in the fuck she was doing or where in the hell she was going.

  “Sweetheart, you don’t have to do this.”

  Hannah looked at Deanna, one of the sweetest people she’d ever met. Hell, every female at the club had been so kind and generous to her.

  “Do you even know anyone, know where to go?” Deanna looked so sad for her.

  Hannah leaned back in the seat and exhaled. “No on both accounts, but I didn’t know where else to go, or what else to do.” She closed her eyes and breathed out again, not sure if what she was doing was the right thing.

  “Look at me, honey.”

  Hannah turned her head and stared at the other woman. They didn’t speak for long seconds, and the emotion coming from Deanna was tangible.

  “Nerd loves you, that’s plain as day. He’d do anything for you. No matter what anyone else says, and no matter what you think is right or wrong, you have to do what makes you happy.” Deanna smiled. “If this is really what you want to do, and not because some drunk biker asshole spouted off at the mouth, then I support you. But if you’re doing this because you’re scared, because you don’t think you’re worthy...” Deanna shook her head. “I’m just saying, do what you have to do in order to heal from the inside. Make yourself whole before you worry about anyone or anything else.” Deanna reached out and took hold of her hand, giving it a little squeeze.

  Hannah knew what the woman was saying, and although she was afraid of leaving, didn’t want to go away from Nerd. Hearing Weasel’s words play out in her head cemented a lot of things in her. She knew she had to make herself whole, or as whole as she could be, if she wanted any chance of her own happily ever after.

  “I need to make myself whole,” she found herself whispering.

  Deanna smiled. “I’m glad to hear you’re doing this for you.” She patted Hannah’s hand. “I have a friend that is only an hour outside of town. She runs a small spa-type business in the mountains, kind of like a retreat. It’s nothing traditional, and it’s pretty spiritual but also healing. It’s more holistic than medical, but the setting and peace will help you come to your own conclusion.” Deanna smiled again. “Does that sound like something you’d like to try, or would you prefer to get on a bus and wander?” Deanna asked genuinely. “Whatever you decide there will be no judgment, believe me.”

  Hannah didn’t need to think about it. “Your friend’s place sounds nice.” She didn’t want to wander, didn’t want to be lost, even to herself. “But all I ask is that you don’t tell anyone where I’m at. I need to get my head on straight, and if Nerd knows where I’m at I don’t think he’ll just stand back.”

  Deanna shook her head, a small smile on her lips. “No, I don’t think he would. I won’t say anything. It’s no one’s business but yours.”

  Tears filled Hannah’s eyes as she thought about leaving Nerd but also about coming back to him. She just hoped he’d still be there for her when she returned.

  Hannah had only been gone for a few hours, but Nerd was a fucking wreck. He sat at the bar in the clubhouse, the nearly empty bottle of vodka in front of him, his vision blurry but the pain of her being gone still so strong. Not even getting piss ass drunk could take that away.

  He heard a few club whores laughing behind him and turned to see one of them sitting on Weasel’s lap, and another one shaking her tits in front of his face. The party was still going on strong, none of the bikers even aware how much pain Nerd was in. Or maybe they did and didn’t want to be sucked up in it? Either way he preferred drinking and suffering alone.

  But the longer he stared at Weasel, the more he wanted to go over there and really beat the shit out of him. Maybe Hannah had planned on leaving this whole time, or maybe that fucker had pushed her over the edge?

  “Have another one and push that anger back. We don’t need bloodshed in here tonight, man.”

  Nerd looked over at Vengeance. The other biker was behind the bar, a new bottle of vodka in his hand.

  “What the fuck do you know about any of this, or what I should and shouldn’t do?” Nerd’s voice was so damn slurred, and he was drunk as fuck, but he still felt like shit.

  I should go after her. I should find out where she’s at. How could I let her just leave?

  Vengeance set the bottle on the counter and held up his hands. “I’m just saying let’s drink another one and leave the bloodshed for another day, yeah?”

  Nerd glared at the other man but nodded once.

  Right now drinking and stewing in his own emotions was about all he could do. At least until Deanna had come back and he could find out where in the fuck his woman went. But what he wasn’t going to let go, no matter how much liquor he consumed, was the need to beat Weasel’s ass until the man admitted what he had done, how much he’d fucked up, had been a bad idea and not his place.

  Chapter Nineteen

  One week went by and Nerd hadn’t heard from Hannah. The moment Deanna had gotten back, he’d tried to find out where she’d taken Hannah, but Deanna wouldn’t talk.

  “It’s what she needs. This is about her.”

  Nerd hadn’t pressed even though he’d wanted to force Deanna to tell him. He held back. Deanna was a good woman, and he trusted her not to put Hannah in danger. The first night, he’d drunk himself into oblivion and because of how much he drank, he even missed the first day she was gone, so that wasn’t so bad. Of course, the second day, he had to do some errands for the club, and each second of that day was a painful reminder that when he got back to the clubhouse, she wasn’t there.

  He ordered Weasel to stay out of his way. There was no way he was going to be able to live with that man after what he’d done. He’d taken Hannah away from him, and that hole was not closing up easily. Each day, he did what he needed to do and every night, he settled down with a bottle of scotch, desperate for one of his brothers to pick a fight. He’d take the pain of their fists over the pain in his heart.

  The pain was more than he could stand. That was how the first week ended and when he woke up Monday morning, outside, staring up at the sunshine with a killer headache, Nerd didn’t know how much he could take. One week, that was all that had passed. One fucking week, and he was a wreck.

  “You look like shit,” Weasel said.

  Closing his eyes, he rubbed at his temples. “I’ve told
you to stay the fuck away from me.”

  “Yeah, well, a week was all I was going to give you. You’ve got to get over your shit and face the real world.”

  “The real world is not what I want to face right now. You took her away.”

  “I didn’t do anything.”

  Sitting up, he glared at the man he used to call brother. “You didn’t do anything?”

  “If it wasn’t for me, Hannah wouldn’t be trying to make herself better.”

  “Better? The woman I love, the only woman who has ever meant anything to me, and you butt your big fucking nose into my business, and you think I should be grateful.”

  “You weren’t doing anything to help her. The girl was a complete and total wreck.”

  Getting to his feet, Nerd lost any kind of headache he started. The anger that he’d kept plied with liquor for most of the week seemed to fade within an instant of talking to the man who’d screwed up his life.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me if you think for a second that I’m going to thank you.”

  “Yeah, well I already figured this kind of thanks was going to take some time.”

  “You fucking asshole.” Storming up toward him, he poked a finger against Weasel’s chest. Demon had asked him to not attack Weasel and to see the reasoning his brother had. Right at that moment, he didn’t see any. He saw the man who had fucked with his woman’s head, and now he was alone. “She was all I had.”

  “And what you had wasn’t enough. She couldn’t handle your touch. She couldn’t even handle you to be near her, not really. One day you will thank me.”

  Slamming his fist against Weasel’s face, he knocked him clean out. Nerd had never been a dirty fighter, and so he walked away. “That isn’t going to happen today.”

  Demon had arrived at the clubhouse with Ty, his son.

  “I asked you not to start a fight with him.”

  “I didn’t start a fight. I simply told him the way it was going to be.”

  “I mean it, Nerd, I don’t want fighting in my club.”